I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
