I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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