shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
