he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize