I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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