I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I did not marry a roomba.
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