Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
