when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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