I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
