I cockslap morals
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
