It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
