i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
