I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
