when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
