How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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