the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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