my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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