i wish there were pregnant emoticons
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
FUCK WHALES
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