She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
