i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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