in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize