the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
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