dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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