thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
