I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize