I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i love accidental penises.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
