if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
