1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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