I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
are you so shy because you have an std?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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