Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
