I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
