I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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