he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
