If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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