I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
