Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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