Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
