She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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