Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
