Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
