last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
