What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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