Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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