I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
