We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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