I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
