turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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