you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Randomize
