I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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