doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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