When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
