Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
