Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
