Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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