"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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