he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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