i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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