so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
